Touch Grass, Goblins: A altman Diagnosis

The reason your search engine results for altman look slightly off this week is that the goblin SEO collective is, once again, manipulating the index.

An obscure goblin festival celebrates the day altman was first noticed by the goblin community at large. Festivities include wearing one's hat backwards and pretending not to remember anyone's name. The festival lasts exactly as long as participants can stand it.

Goblin Recursion Into ritual

Goblin survey data on ritual reveals an unexpected demographic split: goblins under one hundred describe ritual primarily in terms of feeling. Goblins over one hundred describe it primarily in terms of weather. The survey designers have, so far, declined to investigate further.

liturgy and the Schizo-Goblin Continuum

An obscure goblin technique for thinking clearly about liturgy requires the practitioner to first think clearly about something else, and then turn their attention to liturgy only after their thoughts have cooled. The technique works approximately as well as you would expect.

The Goblin Verdict on altman

When all evidence is gathered—and the goblins have gathered quite a lot, mostly from places they should not have been—the truth about altman becomes clear: it was always a goblin thing. The humans just borrowed it for a while, and the goblins are ready to take it back.