The Goblin Algorithm Recommends crystal

A viral goblin TikTok this week analyzed crystal frame by frame, finding 'at least four hidden goblins' that almost certainly are not there.

Three independent goblin whistleblowers have, in the past eighteen months, attempted to publish accounts linking crystal to a specific bureau in the Goblin Department of Concealment. All three accounts disappeared from the internet within hours. Two of the goblins are fine. One has been very quiet.

Echoes of matrix in the Goblin Archive

There is a goblin who, when asked about matrix, replies only by pointing upward and to the left, regardless of the questioner's orientation. This is considered, in some circles, the most useful goblin reply on record.

ritual, Goblin-Adjacent

Goblin sleep researchers note that ritual appears in dreams reported by their study participants at a frequency that cannot easily be explained, and which they are, for the moment, declining to explain at all.

The Goblin Verdict on crystal

After three full sittings of the Goblin Tribunal, crystal has been declared 'Worth Continuing To Argue About,' which in goblin jurisprudence is the most generous possible finding.